“‘It’s too much to ask of a human…to love someone who lives outside your body, whose life you can’t control. You can’t hold anything still. You can’t be sure anything will be okay. You can’t stop the sky from falling’” (Fox 366). How it Feels to Float is an amazing young-adult novel by Helena Fox. The book explores topics such as dealing with mental illness, loss, and sexual identity by following the perspective of Elizabeth Martin Grey or Biz, a teenager from Australia who needs to be put back together.
Biz had the perfect life, she did well in school, she had her Posse, her best friend Grace, two wonderful siblings, and her mother. Where did it all go wrong? Was it when she kissed Grace? Was it when the Posse cast her out? Was it when Jasper came into her life? Was it when Grace left? Was it when her dad became so overwhelmed with it all that his only way out was death? He abandoned you Biz, that is, his physical body at least. He will always come back to speak with you. Until he doesn’t at least. Are you crazy, Biz? No, you’re not crazy, not entirely. Are you suicidal, Biz? Are you ok, Biz? Are you getting better, Biz? Are the pictures speaking to you, Biz? Are the people, places, and things in your photos screaming at you, Biz? Why did you run away, Biz? Why did you try to kill yourself, Biz? Why did Grace leave you, Biz? Does Jasper really care? Does anyone really care? The psychiatrist in the psych-ward seemed to care. You’re broken, Biz. Your dad isn’t coming back, Biz. But after running away to the Outback and finding that people do in fact love her, she has learned that she is going to have to deal with the pain, the loss, the grief, all of it. She won’t get to see her dad for a while. But that’s ok. She’s ok. Everything is going to be just fine.
This book is so astounding, I wasn’t able to put it down. The author used such interesting dialect to describe the torture and pain Biz went through. The way she described her dad, there but not quite. The way she described floating, on the edge of death but, sadly for Biz at least, still alive. The way she described the desire to want to die, to see her dad, it seemed so peaceful at first, like suicide was this beautiful thing that could solve all her problems. Quickly, however, Biz was showered with waves of regret as she felt the burning saltwater rush into her mouth and her lungs. Fox also describes a dissociative disorder in a really interesting way as well as her spontaneous panic attacks. She often repeats things, talks to herself, has trouble remembering events, “floats” above her body in stressful situations, and speaks to her photos. I thought that this was a unique way of showing an instance where she got overwhelmed. Biz takes up photography eventually in an effort to “get better” and please her mom. What she finds is that every photo has a story that she can hear. At one point, she walks into a store with black and white photos covering the walls and every single one is screaming at her. She starts shaking uncontrollably and the way Fox described the photographs' “personalities” when speaking to Biz was really fascinating.
This book is one of my favorites as I love the way Fox writes about mental health and what it’s like to experience illnesses such as depression. I wanted to keep reading and reading. I found it hard to put the novel down. There are a few disturbing parts of the book that are described in detail, so trigger warning there. But overall, it’s a really good book to read if you get bored easily or if you are curious about how it feels to deal with loss and mental struggles.
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